At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
You Might Also Like
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”