It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
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A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Sign of the day..
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation