In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
me as a parent
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house