In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
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I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out