We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition