In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

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5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24


I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.


What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?


The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.


BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.


Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.


Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.


Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad


I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.


cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit