5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.
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I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I probably wouldn’t know what to do with my hands if you were murdering me, but there’s a strong possibility I would hug you really tight.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit