[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Breaking news:
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
is nasa ok