[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.