Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
[Me: Dead in a coffin at my own funeral.]
My son: Can you log me back in to my tablet? I lost that piece of paper.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you