In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

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Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.


*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.


Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.


And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.


[Me: Dead in a coffin at my own funeral.]

My son: Can you log me back in to my tablet? I lost that piece of paper.


Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned


ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what


people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important


I’m sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy


[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you