In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on