In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
what the
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.