I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
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me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Don’t touch that.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Ok but actually