In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
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Tier 3 meme
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah