In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?
*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
And now we wait
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working