@TheAlexNevil

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

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@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

@NotthatAdamWest

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

@Sal0630

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?

Me: Yup

*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

@kaytaa

Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo”. I shouldn’t laugh right?

@thedad

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@FunkyFresh_79

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

@TweetPotato314

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working