“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Its a hippotatomus
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien