“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Cha-ching is my safe word
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.