in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.


So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.


Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10

Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?

Surgeon: *whispers* You should be

Me: Wha *passes out


My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer


Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.


My dad’s newest girlfriend introduced herself as “Cinnamon, with an S” and I’ve been calling her Cinnamons all afternoon and she absolutely will not correct me.


Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”