in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
it be like that
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well