@YuckyTom

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

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@SaveItForFest

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@ThaJawn

Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10

Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?

Surgeon: *whispers* You should be

Me: Wha *passes out

@KayArePea

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@markydoodoo

Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

@LoganLowbrow

My dad’s newest girlfriend introduced herself as “Cinnamon, with an S” and I’ve been calling her Cinnamons all afternoon and she absolutely will not correct me.

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”