You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Surgeon: *puts mask on my face* count backwards from 10
Me: 10, 9, 8, I’m scared?
Surgeon: *whispers* You should be
Me: Wha *passes out
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service!
*takes off pants*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
My dad’s newest girlfriend introduced herself as “Cinnamon, with an S” and I’ve been calling her Cinnamons all afternoon and she absolutely will not correct me.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”