@YuckyTom

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

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@Ryanfc706

Due to the quarantine I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

@TheAlexP

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

@SICKOFWOLVES

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

@BootsORiley

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@dadsrpeopletoo

Mumble rap was invented by a guy trying to repeat what his wife just said after she caught him not listening.

@ClassyKentucky

T: Have you done your homework? S: You graded my test?
T: No I have other student’s stuff to grade S: I have other teacher’s homework to do.

@AlmightyBored

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.