Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.
In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.
Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We’re all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.
I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore