In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
relationship goals
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers