In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit

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LIFE HACK: A pancake makes a great and edible mouse pad.


local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application


me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us


Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)


Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two


[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..


Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.


it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge



A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?


Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.



Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.