In lieu of kissing a stranger at midnight on new year’s eve, throat punch them instead. let’s send a clear message to 2018 we’re done taking this shit

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Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?


H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.


Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches


[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down


I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.


Romantic subtweets are like watching a couple kissing in a restaurant. We’re all very happy for you but it still makes us want to vomit.


I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.


Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore