ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”