I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
My blood type is b hungry.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back