[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*