@psybermonkey: In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout? Oh... *reaches under mesh shirt* *takes off nipple ring* Better?
@XplodingUnicorn: *quits Twitter to spend time with family* *remembers what family is like* *quits family for Twitter*
@midnightwhale: [walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
@Tresca69: Revenge is never as satisfying as you'd hope And the cops always come sooner then you expect