In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Cat.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals