In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
You Might Also Like
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Go hard or stay average
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE