In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Cats are still liquid.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”