me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
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“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers