@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

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@XplodingUnicorn

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@danteshepherd

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@YAppelbaum

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

@Boba_Photo

11yo: Daddy, why can’t we get a dog?
Me: I like our house the way it is.
11: What, small?
Me: Go to your drawer.

@jordan_stratton

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

@amydillon

“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*