For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc
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I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
No matter where you set the bar, I’ll be leaning on it…trying to get a drink.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Boy, are you 40 mg of Adderall? Because without you, I’d really lose my shit. Also boy, are you my car keys? If you were, where would you be, I’m gonna be late
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.