@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

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@HarmonyRambles

Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.

*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*

@steeve_again

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

@Lexactly

[Ouija board]
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
*flips board*

@TheToddWilliams

[School band tryouts]

ME: They say I have perfect pitch

TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got

*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.

@AndyAsAdjective

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

@fro_vo

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

@juneohara65

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”