[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Another interesting #factupdates post!
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
#milo
This is my pinned tweet
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.