Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that.
*slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
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Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Spirits are you there?
U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K
[School band tryouts]
ME: They say I have perfect pitch
TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got
*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Your word is Monogamous.
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”