In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*