In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.