@bridger_w

In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don’t think I can keep watching movies

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@Browtweaten

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

@daemonic3

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

@weinerdog4life

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

@nice_mustard

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

@JohnsonDiaz21

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

@mrsburtmacklin

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized