*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
How all things should be taught/explained.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Doggies just call it style.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands