In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…