Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*Removes nail polish*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Him: your mustache?
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
My stupid belt shrunk again today.