@TheWoodenslurpy

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

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@simoncholland

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

@Marlebean

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

@Kerfuckus

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

@RodLacroix

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

@MyPolishFace

Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Me: no
Him: your mustache?
Me: no
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore

@MelKassel

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

@JillianKarger

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars