@JimmerThatisAll

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

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@MelvinofYork

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

@AndyAsAdjective

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

@iAmJuddy

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

@JediGigi

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

@usermcuserface

Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!

Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?

@OneFunnyMummy

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

@fire2sweet

I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*

@PeterClayton6

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.