In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.