Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Agent: I keep telling you, nobody is making a movie with pirates or elves right now!
Orlando Bloom: (through tears)
Are you sure?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I take pride in the fact that I have never played Candy Crush. I don’t need that addiction! *snorts Twitter*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.