In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.