@anerdonfire2

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

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@LostCatDog

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

@BoogTweets

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

@ReelQuinn

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

@GuyBreakup

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

@AmberTozer

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

@ClichedOut

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

@Kilgore_Studge

I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.

@david8hughes

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna