In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

You Might Also Like


You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.


An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster


[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA


“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God


A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.


Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing


me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England


“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets


I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.


[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna