You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
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An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I always write “boing” in the memo section of my checks, so all parties involved know how this is gonna go.
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna