@HenpeckedHal

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

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@KKBowls

Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M

@ThaJawn

“No, there’s no way!”

I totally could

“No you couldn’t!”

*slams the rest of his beer* I can and I will

-the first guy to ride an ostrich

@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

@funflaps

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@BoomBoomBetty

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

@SteveEllum

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Of course I care about ethical farming practices and proper nutrition. My eggs came from chickens who were fed only the finest vegetarians.

@TheTweetOfGod

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

@pixelatedboat

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist