@HenpeckedHal

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

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@KizerBillhelm

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

@buhsbaby_baby

Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.

@MichaelJTiberi

Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@NickBossRoss

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@chrisdowning

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

@funnyhumour

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

@isabelzawtun

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work