In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

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*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*


Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.


Why is everyone bragging about how great it is to have kids? I slept till noon today, and the only person who threw up last night was me.


use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying


Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.


therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma


Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving


How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.


Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work