In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
much to think about
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face