ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.