@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

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@tudorgrrrl

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

@continentlbkfst

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

@fangrlsproblem

school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

@jwoodham

It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

@chudneyspears

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…