In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?


kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*


“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.


school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early


Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!


It’s oddly fitting that most Americans celebrate Presidents’ Day by taking the day off and not doing the job they were hired to do.


Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.


I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.


I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…