In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon