In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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Bringing home a sharpie
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco