@MUMSIEesq

In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”

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@TheTalkingPipe

Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.

@Kyle_Lippert

Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.

@laughandrun

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

@stockejock

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

@ArfMeasures

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

@InternetHippo

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@Darlainky

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

@Book_Krazy

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?