I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
All. The. Damn. Time.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend