Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
In my defense, they should have been more specific about which part of the restaurant I was supposed to “Drive Thru”
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Fun prank: Find a sleeping spider, crawl in its mouth and lay your eggs. Turn the tables. Give nature the finger. Live it up.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!
Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?