Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Strange