Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Mountain Goat : )
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place