@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.

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@Moronyc

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@ItsSamG

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

@EmergencyQB

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

@TheToxicWaster

My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn’t planning to spend that much..

@djdarrellripley

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

@tiemoose

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

@iwearaonesie

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos