My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.