In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

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Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.


When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’


I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.


If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .


ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?



Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?


At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.