@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

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@Alex_N_Chains

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

@SortaBad

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@dumbbeezie

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@Skoogeth

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

@michelleDbelle

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

@clarkekant

At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.