@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

- @Manda_like_wine

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@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

@Midgetspar

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

@WhatevaConc

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

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@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@bea_ker

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

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Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers “smooth criminal” and moonwalks away

@sofarrsogud

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

@petemandik

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop