In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.