Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Sorry I said you looked like black Garfield in your Catwoman costume.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ?????? ??????
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!