In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I love the honesty
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
shit, they caught us—run!!!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.