In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
You Might Also Like
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart