waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You Might Also Like
If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.
My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[getting a number at a bar]
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Vodka bottles should come printed with a crisis hotline number to call in the event you feel like texting your ex
Not all heroes wear capes…
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*