@gobmentcheese

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

You Might Also Like

@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

@robfee

If you watch The Blindside backwards, Sandra Bullock becomes so disappointed in her black son that she abandons him on the side of the road.

@drunktweets81

My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@humanaaron

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

@BoomBoomBetty

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

@leahloveslovely

Vodka bottles should come printed with a crisis hotline number to call in the event you feel like texting your ex

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@PleaseBeGneiss

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*