In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Need this in my life lol
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.