It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.