@AntiSemanticShw

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

You Might Also Like

@kiebi

It’s funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over

@RamblingMachine

If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@heytonyiscool

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

@sixfootcandy

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

@16bitbulbasaur

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

@gvicks

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

@StarWarsProblms

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.