My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
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I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Me: now lets do a silly one
netflix: are you still there?
me: i’m literally not allowed to leave