@Mikecanrant

In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.

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@jordan_stratton

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

@salmarch79

I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

@Tryptofantastic

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

@HisDulcinea

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@Dutch_50

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

@paralysing_word

If you think you’re too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

@james_comics

netflix: are you still there?

me: i’m literally not allowed to leave