My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
pictures of spider-man
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Seems a bit forward