In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You Might Also Like
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
need him
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.