I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.