in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
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[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Just grow your own
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.