@karlhess
@brittwastaken
Me: ruin me for other men
*Two kids later*
Me: not like that
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@brittwastaken
@aissalanis
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
@LizHackett
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
@DrakeGatsby
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
@joeljeffrey
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
@better_off_dad2
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’
@13spencer
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
@KizerBillhelm
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
@MischievousJam
I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.
BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food
@sarcasticmommy4
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”