@karlhess
@HatfieldAnne My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
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@HatfieldAnne 
@Beerhaze Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
@dom_selleck Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
@ThugRaccoons Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
@hbombmom Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
@truegritrumble ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
@arealliveghost my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
@XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
@nbadag “my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
@MunkMania HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40