@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

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@aissalanis

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

@LizHackett

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@better_off_dad2

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’

@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

@KizerBillhelm

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

@MischievousJam

I ate 23k pounds of cream cheese yesterday.

BUT, there were nuts in it and I yelled FITFAM the whole time so technically it was health food

@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”