@karlhess

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

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@HatfieldAnne

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

@Beerhaze

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@truegritrumble

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

@arealliveghost

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

@nbadag

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet

@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40