accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.