In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.