If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”