@HeyoShellz

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

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@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@DaddyJew

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

@pourmecoffee

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

@iscoff

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

@flashember

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat